Sunday, January 18, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
The thing about me is..
The thing about me is that I can be friends with people. Until they get close to me.
But the thing about me is that I just want someone who CAN be close to me.
But most people who DO get close to me... end up getting pushed away. Or pushing themselves away.
The thing about me is that I have these crazy mood swings. Well, really it has a lot more to do with the seasons. But basically as the seasons change so do I. Happy friendly funny in the summer but as the leaves die, so does my optimism. I try to keep a face of joviality but the depression I feel chronically worsens as winter draws near. It seeps into my words and I become a toxic version of myself. And at first nobody knows what it is, all they know is that something isn't going right. Then they discover the truth; I am a poisonous person that nobody wants to be close to.
The thing about me is that I'm poisonous, but I don't want to be. I try so hard to be a source of light for people, someone that they can talk to and rely on for anything in this place where everything goes wrong and everybody flakes. I want to be the rock. But when people get close to me they never stick around. At first it's amazing and we never want to be apart. After a while, disagreements come up. Disagreements are a perfectly normal part of any friendship. And it's inevitable that at some point, these friends are going to hurt your feelings.
The thing about me is that I get it. I get it when things come up. Misunderstandings happen, life happens, I get it. Again, it is inevitable for you to be hurt by the people in your life. And I have learned to cope with things, and I get over things very quickly. Most things.
But there's something else about me. And this is the part people don't understand. I am tolerant of things for a time. Then I get frustrated by things, but I convince myself it's of no consequence and I blow it off. And they keep happening. The same things, over and over, and people think it's ok because there was never a problem in the past. But inside, things are building up and they begin to vent themselves in the strangest ways. Sarcastic comments with a little more bite, words that sting a little bit more, less patience than usual.
But the thing about me is that after a while, I have to blow up. Something happens--a laugh perhaps. A comment intended as a joke that strikes a little too close to home. The trigger point.
And then I do something stupid. A plastic cup flying through the air. An icy rebuke. Maybe I'm snippety one day.
And then when I realize that it's a problem, I take some time for myself. Time to vent the anger away from people. I apologize. I try to talk things out, and then I take some more time.
But the thing about me is that I always come back. And when I come back I feel like I'm fully capable of handling things, and I'm ready to try again. I never come back until I'm ready to try again.
But the thing about others is... just because you're ready to fix things, doesn't mean that they are. Other people assume that these things that happen occur out of nowhere and remain angry for ages and ages. They reject your peace offerings, think you're going to blow up again, and hold it against you. Yet if they gave you five minutes to just explain yourself, they would see that it wasn't unfounded, and that things are going to be ok again.
Believe me, I feel sorry about every time I blow up at people. I feel like the reasons for anger are justified but the resulting actions are not. Am I sorry for throwing a red solo cup at you? Yes. Do I think that the anger was unfounded? Definitely not.
My biggest struggle is when people refuse to let me talk to them about the reasons I was upset. They don't want to hear that things they did were hurtful. They don't want to see that something they did was hurting me. They just want to accept the apology and blow off the rest as more mood swings, crazy me things and assume that I'll get over it soon. And maybe I will. But not before I get more upset and they just assume I'll be ok in a while. Just ignore her until she's nice. If she's not nice, she's not herself.
And I know that I should get better about talking things before they become a problem, but I'm not perfect and I like to give people many many chances before I talk to them, just because I want to make sure it wasn't an accident. I don't want to get upset at someone for something that was a fluke, an accident, unmeant.
But the thing is, life happens. People get hurt. And some people have a hard time forgiving.
And sometimes I'm one of them. And sometimes, you are too. But ultimately, all I want is a freaking chance. I'm a FREAKING HUMAN okay? And sometimes things suck for me. In fact, I feel like MOST of the time, things suck for me. And I try not to take things out on the people around me but you know what, it just doesn't work sometimes and I'm sorry for the people around me who are the casualties of my daggers disguised as words or momentary expulsions of my emotions. The fact is, I try to keep it inside because people don't like to see it outside. Keeping it inside makes things worse, but keeping it outside destroys friendships.
And the thing about me is, that just when everybody leaves me is the time I need them the most.
But the thing about me is that I just want someone who CAN be close to me.
But most people who DO get close to me... end up getting pushed away. Or pushing themselves away.
The thing about me is that I have these crazy mood swings. Well, really it has a lot more to do with the seasons. But basically as the seasons change so do I. Happy friendly funny in the summer but as the leaves die, so does my optimism. I try to keep a face of joviality but the depression I feel chronically worsens as winter draws near. It seeps into my words and I become a toxic version of myself. And at first nobody knows what it is, all they know is that something isn't going right. Then they discover the truth; I am a poisonous person that nobody wants to be close to.
The thing about me is that I'm poisonous, but I don't want to be. I try so hard to be a source of light for people, someone that they can talk to and rely on for anything in this place where everything goes wrong and everybody flakes. I want to be the rock. But when people get close to me they never stick around. At first it's amazing and we never want to be apart. After a while, disagreements come up. Disagreements are a perfectly normal part of any friendship. And it's inevitable that at some point, these friends are going to hurt your feelings.
The thing about me is that I get it. I get it when things come up. Misunderstandings happen, life happens, I get it. Again, it is inevitable for you to be hurt by the people in your life. And I have learned to cope with things, and I get over things very quickly. Most things.
But there's something else about me. And this is the part people don't understand. I am tolerant of things for a time. Then I get frustrated by things, but I convince myself it's of no consequence and I blow it off. And they keep happening. The same things, over and over, and people think it's ok because there was never a problem in the past. But inside, things are building up and they begin to vent themselves in the strangest ways. Sarcastic comments with a little more bite, words that sting a little bit more, less patience than usual.
But the thing about me is that after a while, I have to blow up. Something happens--a laugh perhaps. A comment intended as a joke that strikes a little too close to home. The trigger point.
And then I do something stupid. A plastic cup flying through the air. An icy rebuke. Maybe I'm snippety one day.
And then when I realize that it's a problem, I take some time for myself. Time to vent the anger away from people. I apologize. I try to talk things out, and then I take some more time.
But the thing about me is that I always come back. And when I come back I feel like I'm fully capable of handling things, and I'm ready to try again. I never come back until I'm ready to try again.
But the thing about others is... just because you're ready to fix things, doesn't mean that they are. Other people assume that these things that happen occur out of nowhere and remain angry for ages and ages. They reject your peace offerings, think you're going to blow up again, and hold it against you. Yet if they gave you five minutes to just explain yourself, they would see that it wasn't unfounded, and that things are going to be ok again.
Believe me, I feel sorry about every time I blow up at people. I feel like the reasons for anger are justified but the resulting actions are not. Am I sorry for throwing a red solo cup at you? Yes. Do I think that the anger was unfounded? Definitely not.
My biggest struggle is when people refuse to let me talk to them about the reasons I was upset. They don't want to hear that things they did were hurtful. They don't want to see that something they did was hurting me. They just want to accept the apology and blow off the rest as more mood swings, crazy me things and assume that I'll get over it soon. And maybe I will. But not before I get more upset and they just assume I'll be ok in a while. Just ignore her until she's nice. If she's not nice, she's not herself.
And I know that I should get better about talking things before they become a problem, but I'm not perfect and I like to give people many many chances before I talk to them, just because I want to make sure it wasn't an accident. I don't want to get upset at someone for something that was a fluke, an accident, unmeant.
But the thing is, life happens. People get hurt. And some people have a hard time forgiving.
And sometimes I'm one of them. And sometimes, you are too. But ultimately, all I want is a freaking chance. I'm a FREAKING HUMAN okay? And sometimes things suck for me. In fact, I feel like MOST of the time, things suck for me. And I try not to take things out on the people around me but you know what, it just doesn't work sometimes and I'm sorry for the people around me who are the casualties of my daggers disguised as words or momentary expulsions of my emotions. The fact is, I try to keep it inside because people don't like to see it outside. Keeping it inside makes things worse, but keeping it outside destroys friendships.
And the thing about me is, that just when everybody leaves me is the time I need them the most.
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