have you ever been so tired that you didn't have the energy to care?

  Have you ever been so tired that you feel like you couldn't care about anything?
that's how I feel right now, even though I was right and he still likes her. Even though I was right and she's finally facing the feelings she's been hiding about him too.
even though I was right about everything, I'm too tired to care.i never had a chance once she was back, but somehow that doesn't mean anything. I'm exhausted.
Yet somehow I'm too tired to sleep tonight. It figures I guess.

Today I found out

Today has been a rather enlightening day for me.

We all have those people who we get along with, so very well. 

The people we care about so, so much and would do anything for. 

For me, that was my friend Chase. 

I would do anything for that guy. 

We helped each other through some really hard times. 

But we put each other through some really hard times, too.

And ultimately, we grew apart.

But there was a time when I couldn't imagine life without him.

There was that day.

The day when I realized that our friendship, the friendship that meant so much to me, the friendship that helped me get back on my feet, wasn't enough for him.

He was just too hurt, too sad.

He was enough for me, he put a smile back on my face.

Even when I didn't want to smile, he could make me do it.

Even when I thought there was nothing in this world that could help me.

He managed to do it, somehow.

But one day I realized that to him, our friendship wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough to cheer him up, wasn't enough to give him hope.

There was that day.

Or rather, it was a series of days.

He was slipping away from me.

Being around me wasn't the pinnacle anymore.

It was the trough.

The chore.

I pretended not to know, but I did.

And it cut me deep.

Over time, it healed up.

But there remained a scar. 

Things were never quite the same.

There was that day.

That day when I discovered The Wedge. 

He found someone else who did all the things I couldn't.

I was hurt, but I understood.

We remained good friends.

After all the hard times we had been through together, we remained stronger than ever.

But something was different.

His other half didn't like me.

And I didn't like him.

He tried to push us together but, as with magnets that have the same polarization, we broke apart and ended up further away than ever.

There was that day.

That day when he blew me off.

That day when I gave up.

That day when he asked me what was wrong.

The day that I told him, that day was bad.

Every day The Wedge got deeper and deeper.

Always trying to bind us back together, always pretending nothing was wrong.

There was that day.

That day that he moved.

That day we hung out.

That day we realized how much we missed each other.

That day we promised we'd be better.

And then there was today.

Today I found out.

It is possible to care to the point of hurting, and never be enough for someone.

It is possible to wish the best for someone and wish you never knew them.

Today I found out.

But today was the day that the wedge was the deepest.

Today I found out.

He didn't tell me.

Today I found out that my friend

moved on.

I'm Kari and My Tongue is Too Sharp

I don't know if any of you out there have ever had the pleasure of being ignored by a person for longer than you hung out with them. And I don't know if any of you have ever had the pleasure of sorting things out with that person afterwards.
The thing about me is that when things like that happen, I don't feel pleased. I feel bitter. And when I'm bitter I say things I don't mean to, or the things I say come out much harsher than I had intended. It isn't very conducive to making up with people, you know. Especially when you're already on the rocks with them in the first place.
You see, I was hanging out with some people outside... enjoying the last of the summer sun. Things escalated a little bit and, feeling defensive at the time, I found the words "Hi, I'm xxxx and my sideburns are crooked!" teetering on the brink of falling out of my mouth. It was very nearly disastrous. They began to spill out, I panicked, and I swallowed the words. BUT, I made a semi normal situation a bit more awkward because it was pretty obvious that I had just stopped myself mid sentence, and I didn't do a very good job of covering it up.
Sometimes I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve, in the most confusing way possible.

Kari! It's everyone. We don't want to talk to you. Ps, you need an attitude adjustment. Have a nice life!

The part of my grave where I tell everyone how I feel because it's the only time I won't regret hitting publish

Up until now I haven't regretted a thing about this. But now I'm not sure of anything any more.
It's so easy for me to resign myself to one thing or the other, but when it comes to possibilities I just don't know what to do. A thousand what ifs spinning around in my head, and the thought that you have to choose one and if you don't choose the right one, you won't get what you want. It's slowly driving me mad. I'm trying not to let the what ifs govern my life. I'm trying to just do what I want without fearing the consequences, but I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
But how can you lose something you never had?
And if I don't say something I'll probably lose anyway.
So what do I have to lose?
Everything, if I don't say something.

Clearing the air

A post in which I might ramble a little bit and you may get bored reading.

We all have ghosts in our past, ghosts that haunt us day after day, taunting us with visions of how things might have been if only circumstances had been different, or people had been kinder, or someone had said more. Bringing back the pain of unspoken words, actions we never took, tears we never cried, and people we never loved.

Why do we let them torment us so?
Because confronting them means confronting our insecurities and deepest fears. And it is just so easy to huddle in a corner, afraid of them, wishing they would go away, hoping that if you ignore them long enough they might leave of their own volition, eventually allowing you to become a numb shell that merely exists, wallowing in the sorrow and pain of tragedies that are partially your own creation.

Sometimes it might seem like they've left you, that they've moved on from their favorite past time; making misery and causing pain. But at the slightest hint of remembrance or regret they come flooding back even stronger than they were before.

The only way to really get rid of them is to clear the air. To open the windows and let the truth blow away all the dust of confusion that has been haunting you.
And sometimes when the truth blows away all the lies and holograms that you've been projecting for years, you find yourself feeling empty. The space that once was filled with the terrors of the night now holds nothing but the honest facts and the emptiness may seem daunting, even painful for a while.

But after a time, you can fill the empty spaces with better things.
And you can learn to feel again.

Which can seem scary. As someone who generally tries to avoid emotions I understand just how terrifying this is. I'm still not sure that I'm ready to take off my rose tinted glasses and feel.

But tonight, I'm one step closer.

I always knew that my younger sister would get married before I did. I just didn't expect it to suck this much.

The thing about me is..

The thing about me is that I can be friends with people. Until they get close to me.
But the thing about me is that I just want someone who CAN be close to me.
But most people who DO get close to me... end up getting pushed away. Or pushing themselves away.
The thing about me is that I have these crazy mood swings. Well, really it has a lot more to do with the seasons. But basically as the seasons change so do I. Happy friendly funny in the summer but as the leaves die, so does my optimism. I try to keep a face of joviality but the depression I feel chronically worsens as winter draws near. It seeps into my words and I become a toxic version of myself. And at first nobody knows what it is, all they know is that something isn't going right. Then they discover the truth; I am a poisonous person that nobody wants to be close to.
The thing about me is that I'm poisonous, but I don't want to be. I try so hard to be a source of light for people, someone that they can talk to and rely on for anything in this place where everything goes wrong and everybody flakes. I want to be the rock. But when people get close to me they never stick around. At first it's amazing and we never want to be apart. After a while, disagreements come up. Disagreements are a perfectly normal part of any friendship. And it's inevitable that at some point, these friends are going to hurt your feelings.
The thing about me is that I get it. I get it when things come up. Misunderstandings happen, life happens, I get it. Again, it is inevitable for you to be hurt by the people in your life. And I have learned to cope with things, and I get over things very quickly. Most things.
But there's something else about me. And this is the part people don't understand. I am tolerant of things for a time. Then I get frustrated by things, but I convince myself it's of no consequence and I blow it off. And they keep happening. The same things, over and over, and people think it's ok because there was never a problem in the past. But inside, things are building up and they begin to vent themselves in the strangest ways. Sarcastic comments with a little more bite, words that sting a little bit more, less patience than usual.
But the thing about me is that after a while, I have to blow up. Something happens--a laugh perhaps. A comment intended as a joke that strikes a little too close to home. The trigger point.
And then I do something stupid. A plastic cup flying through the air. An icy rebuke. Maybe I'm snippety one day.
And then when I realize that it's a problem, I take some time for myself. Time to vent the anger away from people. I apologize. I try to talk things out, and then I take some more time.
But the thing about me is that I always come back. And when I come back I feel like I'm fully capable of handling things, and I'm ready to try again. I never come back until I'm ready to try again.
But the thing about others is... just because you're ready to fix things, doesn't mean that they are. Other people assume that these things that happen occur out of nowhere and remain angry for ages and ages. They reject your peace offerings, think you're going to blow up again, and hold it against you. Yet if they gave you five minutes to just explain yourself, they would see that it wasn't unfounded, and that things are going to be ok again.
Believe me, I feel sorry about every time I blow up at people. I feel like the reasons for anger are justified but the resulting actions are not. Am I sorry for throwing a red solo cup at you? Yes. Do I think that the anger was unfounded? Definitely not.
My biggest struggle is when people refuse to let me talk to them about the reasons I was upset. They don't want to hear that things they did were hurtful. They don't want to see that something they did was hurting me. They just want to accept the apology and blow off the rest as more mood swings, crazy me things and assume that I'll get over it soon. And maybe I will. But not before I get more upset and they just assume I'll be ok in a while. Just ignore her until she's nice. If she's not nice, she's not herself.
And I know that I should get better about talking things before they become a problem, but I'm not perfect and I like to give people many many chances before I talk to them, just because I want to make sure it wasn't an accident. I don't want to get upset at someone for something that was a fluke, an accident, unmeant.
But the thing is, life happens. People get hurt. And some people have a hard time forgiving.
And sometimes I'm one of them. And sometimes, you are too. But ultimately, all I want is a freaking chance. I'm a FREAKING HUMAN okay? And sometimes things suck for me. In fact, I feel like MOST of the time, things suck for me. And I try not to take things out on the people around me but you know what, it just doesn't work sometimes and I'm sorry for the people around me who are the casualties of my daggers disguised as words or momentary expulsions of my emotions. The fact is, I try to keep it inside because people don't like to see it outside. Keeping it inside makes things worse, but keeping it outside destroys friendships.
And the thing about me is, that just when everybody leaves me is the time I need them the most.