Can someone just hold me while I cry about what a shitty life I'm having right now?
Thanks.

One of my friends asked me if she could see this blog, and I've been pretty avoidant about sending her the link. She asked me why, and I didn't really have a reason to tell her.
The best I can figure is that this blog is pretty much the only place that I can spew my feelings without having repercussions. People being angry about what I write, or upset.
Or asking me about it.
I don't know why but the idea of somebody giving me feedback about anything written here is terrifying. This is me, raw and unrefined. And the idea that someone could see me that way is terrifying, because I don't know how they would react. And then if I do give someone the link, I automatically know that they'll be reading it and I'll start writing it more for them and less for me, which defeats the purpose of this blog. I would eventually end up writing a new one and not updating this one, which would defeat the purpose of me giving her the link.
I don't really know what to do. I want to be vulnerable because that's what friends do, but being vulnerable is damn scary.

So maybe I'm a bitch.
I get super pissed off about little things.
I can't keep friends for very long, and the friendships I build are always very short and intense, before they go up in flames and smoke. Sometimes I wonder how the fire started. Was I my own saboteur?
I'm miserable because all that is left of the good memories are cinders and ashes. I beat myself up about it for months, even years. I hate it.
But sometimes you just have to learn that you have to rely on yourself, that you're the only person who will be there for you. Nobody else gets it, don't you see?
Sometimes people pretend they do for a while, but if you wait long enough they show their true colors. Their concern for you is only skin deep--underneath the facade they put up, they're just thinking of themselves.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just too sensitive to have healthy relationships with people. I like to think that I'm a patient person, but the older I get the less patient I am with people who don't give me the respect that I demand. The amount of chances I give people drastically reduces from year to year.
I can't help it. Too many people have broken my heart. Or rather, I've broken my own heart over too many people.
I'm sorry, I just can't keep doing it. I have to look out for myself, because nobody else will.
That doesn't really make me a bitch does it?

Hi Kari, it's everyone.

Hi Kari, it's everyone. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you someday, when you're old and gray.

Bitching

Sometimes I make friends. And sometimes I get pissed when those friends talk to other friends. Which is stupid, I know. Jealousy is bad in relationships, blah blah blah. It's not really like I'm pissed when they just TALK to other people. It's mostly just when the talking to other friends gets in the way of them being MY friend when I need them. Which happens a lot. I tend to have this thing where I need to talk to someone about something so bad, but the window of beginning to talk lasts about five minutes. And since I bend over backwards to be there for people when they need me, I get very frustrated when they aren't there for me. And I try to be considerate of the fact that people aren't available for just five minutes somewhere randomly in their day. It's kind of hard for someone to be there for me when I only want them to be there for five small minutes. But sometimes it's frustrating because I end up having nobody to bitch about life to. And there are some seriously miserable things going down!
So anyway. I guess I'm mad because I have this roommate who has a ton of problems, and she bitches about them all the time. To everyone. And she bitches right over the top of me whenever I try to say something.
Yeah girl, your health problems suck. I'm sorry. It's miserable.
That doesn't make the pain I'm feeling any better.
Maybe I don't have health problems either but my best friend is moving away and I know what that's like. I'm scared too, and I don't have your health problems so finding someone to bitch about is hard when you're standing there talking about all your horrible problems right behind me, and then how your friend is leaving you on top of it all.
I GET IT. YOUR LIFE SUCKS.
My friend is leaving me too, and now I don't have anyone to talk to because you're bitching to everyone and nobody has time to talk to me so that I can bitch.
And sometimes, I just need to bitch.