Can someone just hold me while I cry about what a shitty life I'm having right now?
Thanks.

One of my friends asked me if she could see this blog, and I've been pretty avoidant about sending her the link. She asked me why, and I didn't really have a reason to tell her.
The best I can figure is that this blog is pretty much the only place that I can spew my feelings without having repercussions. People being angry about what I write, or upset.
Or asking me about it.
I don't know why but the idea of somebody giving me feedback about anything written here is terrifying. This is me, raw and unrefined. And the idea that someone could see me that way is terrifying, because I don't know how they would react. And then if I do give someone the link, I automatically know that they'll be reading it and I'll start writing it more for them and less for me, which defeats the purpose of this blog. I would eventually end up writing a new one and not updating this one, which would defeat the purpose of me giving her the link.
I don't really know what to do. I want to be vulnerable because that's what friends do, but being vulnerable is damn scary.

So maybe I'm a bitch.
I get super pissed off about little things.
I can't keep friends for very long, and the friendships I build are always very short and intense, before they go up in flames and smoke. Sometimes I wonder how the fire started. Was I my own saboteur?
I'm miserable because all that is left of the good memories are cinders and ashes. I beat myself up about it for months, even years. I hate it.
But sometimes you just have to learn that you have to rely on yourself, that you're the only person who will be there for you. Nobody else gets it, don't you see?
Sometimes people pretend they do for a while, but if you wait long enough they show their true colors. Their concern for you is only skin deep--underneath the facade they put up, they're just thinking of themselves.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just too sensitive to have healthy relationships with people. I like to think that I'm a patient person, but the older I get the less patient I am with people who don't give me the respect that I demand. The amount of chances I give people drastically reduces from year to year.
I can't help it. Too many people have broken my heart. Or rather, I've broken my own heart over too many people.
I'm sorry, I just can't keep doing it. I have to look out for myself, because nobody else will.
That doesn't really make me a bitch does it?

Hi Kari, it's everyone.

Hi Kari, it's everyone. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you someday, when you're old and gray.

Bitching

Sometimes I make friends. And sometimes I get pissed when those friends talk to other friends. Which is stupid, I know. Jealousy is bad in relationships, blah blah blah. It's not really like I'm pissed when they just TALK to other people. It's mostly just when the talking to other friends gets in the way of them being MY friend when I need them. Which happens a lot. I tend to have this thing where I need to talk to someone about something so bad, but the window of beginning to talk lasts about five minutes. And since I bend over backwards to be there for people when they need me, I get very frustrated when they aren't there for me. And I try to be considerate of the fact that people aren't available for just five minutes somewhere randomly in their day. It's kind of hard for someone to be there for me when I only want them to be there for five small minutes. But sometimes it's frustrating because I end up having nobody to bitch about life to. And there are some seriously miserable things going down!
So anyway. I guess I'm mad because I have this roommate who has a ton of problems, and she bitches about them all the time. To everyone. And she bitches right over the top of me whenever I try to say something.
Yeah girl, your health problems suck. I'm sorry. It's miserable.
That doesn't make the pain I'm feeling any better.
Maybe I don't have health problems either but my best friend is moving away and I know what that's like. I'm scared too, and I don't have your health problems so finding someone to bitch about is hard when you're standing there talking about all your horrible problems right behind me, and then how your friend is leaving you on top of it all.
I GET IT. YOUR LIFE SUCKS.
My friend is leaving me too, and now I don't have anyone to talk to because you're bitching to everyone and nobody has time to talk to me so that I can bitch.
And sometimes, I just need to bitch.

One Exception

There are not a lot of things that weigh heavily on my mind, but the way that I treat people is one of them. As a person who has personally been on the shitty side of things far more often than I care to think about, I take great care to make sure that I don't do that to people. But no matter how hard you try, there will always be one exception.
One dear friend of mine, a friend who has brought me more joy and laughter during hard times than any of my other friends, is my exception.
All that I stand for, honesty, sticking to my word, being there when I say I will be, not blowing people off... All of these things for one reason or another have gone out the window with him. And it isn't because I don't care about him.
I think it's more to do with the fact that I don't know how to act around him, because I think he might be kind of in love with me. And maybe I like him a little. But I don't see how it could ever turn into something, and that makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. And that is why it's hard for me to be around him. But it's never hard when I'm with him. It is so easy to be around him. It's just waiting for the time when I'm with him that drives me crazy.
I wish I was more assertive so I could find out what is going on. Then everything would be better. I could reconcile myself either way, if only I knew which one.

The Key to My Heart

Cute or ugly, short or tall, 

these things don't matter much at all.

A handsome face or charming smile,

your words will never me beguile.

For these are things I do not see.

The way you treat me is the key.

The way to make my heart beat fast

is in your face when you walk past.

What makes the blood in my ears buzz?

A friendly smile or greeting does.

If you can really make me laugh

your chances have increased by half!

But there's one thing that you can do

to make me never forget you.

If you can show me that you care,

that when I'm sad you will be there.

Your smile is a bow, your words a dart.

You now have the key. Unlock my heart.

Nothingness

Do you ever feel.. nothing

Whenever I see that I have views on this blog I wonder who the hell cares enough to read this stuff
haha

I always seem to have these days... towards the end of september, everything is pretty rough, thing after shitty thing keeps piling up, and I just want it to be over.
And I just need to see a smile. Hear a friendly word.
A hug.
But these, these are the days I am invisible.

Hi. I used to be your friend, but now I hate you.

Hi. Remember me? We used to be friends.
We did everything together. We thought we were just the same. Do you remember me?
Remember me? The secrets we told, the memories we share. The fun we had.
Remember me? We swore we would always be friends, that nothing would push us apart. You understood me, and I understood you.
When everything was wrong, you could make me smile. I could make you smile too.
But now you kind of hate me. And I think I kind of hate you too.
I just don't understand how you can love someone so much, who treats me like I'm nothing.
With new friends comes change.
And now when I see you, the only thing I can think is
I hate you.
A million promises have been broken.
Words have been said, that I wish had never been spoken.
And when you left me for him, I had to find new friends too. Because suddenly I wasn't good enough.
No, things will never be the same, not really. As much as I wish they could go back, they won't.
Hi. I used to be your friend. But then you forgot me, and now I hate you.

Sometimes, life surprises us.

All my life, I've felt like the odd one out. I didn't have any friends or people I could really trust or rely on. There were people who came through but then something would happen and things would end or taper off. And I love my family, but because of circumstances I have always felt like there was something between us, because of the way things happened. Even in my family I was the odd one out. I would have times with each of my siblings where I felt very close to them but then things would happen. One time, I actually walked in on them all talking about how much they hated me.
And kids will be kids, but it really hurt.
And I've never really felt like there was someone I could really relate to. I had friends but there was always something I wasn't telling them, and they wouldn't ask.
But sometimes, life surprises us.
About a year ago, I met a girl. And I blew her off because I didn't think I would ever see her again, or have a reason to talk to her. And then I was wrong. I saw her every now and again. After almost a year, we talked, and I realized we were kind of similar. But I didn't think I would be seeing her again. And then I just kept running into her and we had fun during the brief encounters we had. Over the summer (my friends all deserted me for boyfriends and family) I was alone, and sad. But then I ran into her and I got her number and we hung out. We were both nervous and didn't know how it would go, but we just talked. And we talked for almost four hours! And we kept hanging out. And every time we would talk and talk and laugh and laugh. And every time we found out that we had more and more things in common. From temperament to bizarre tastes in music and movies, we have it all.
And tonight, we told each other things that we have never told anyone before. She told me about an experience she had that shaped her life, and I told her about my childhood. Not in depth, just a brief synopsis so she would understand why I feel separated from my family in certain ways.
And you now what?
Relating to someone is completely wonderful.

Today one of my best friends from college is getting set apart to go on his mission. I'm going to miss him so much. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through two years without him.

Why people suck

Do you ever just wanna scream? Do you ever feel the emotions inside of you bubbling up and boiling over? You can turn down the heat but they just keep getting hotter and hotter.. before you know it you've lost control. Eventually the whistle is gonna blow. How long can you keep it down?
People honestly have no fucking idea what is going on inside of you. They really don't know how they make you feel. The things they do seem fine to them, but what kind of effect do they have on you? What effect do my actions have on those around me? This is a question that the vast majority of people fail to ask themselves as they go throughout their day.
But you know what? Some people center their whole lives around making sure that their actions have a positive effect on those near them. The things they do each day are carefully thought out. Chances are they may have spent hours thinking through all the possible outcomes of their actions.
This, this is why people suck.
When some people try so hard, yet others fail to even consider.